Now that Aaron is finally out of town I find that all of my conviction to move on with my life had very quickly fled. I think that I might have spent 30 of the last 48 hours sleeping and that is, in my opinion, just not acceptable.

On the flip side I have nearly finished applying for college and I applied for two different jobs at some telephone company or something called Convergys.

Tired, and the home computer is still out being fixed so I had nothing to do all day but read and sleep. I am currently on my older brother’s laptop that he was kind enough to let me use.

Slow, boring, disappointing day. Also I really need to work on my admission essay.

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And then so…

I re-read what I posted earlier today and it sounds quite immature and whiny. Then again it IS about women and how I, a teenager, feel about them so I suppose it is to a certain degree justified.

It occurs to me that there is more to the story of my friend and the disappointing gathering that we had than I initially let on. This was very likely his last chance to  celebrate his birthday with his old friends before going back to college. It didn’t occur to me earlier because, honestly, I hardly ever remember my own birthday let alone anyone else’s.

Anyway I thought it deserved another mention as he is the only one of my friends that I actually value and would not trade in at the first chance.

I should get him something but  unfortunately my mind is a total blank and I don’t have any money.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is my little update.

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A Turn of Events

The “last hoorah” for my friend from college ended up being a disappointing orgy of moping and bitching.

The short version is this: Everyone left early and he and I sat rather quietly in his room for the remainder of the night.

One of the friends left to go on a trip to Illinois, one because his girlfriend was a domineering bitch, and the last left because the others had and he would much rather go get drunk than hang around and mope about our crappy friends.

In any case I will be apply for college and jobs after he leaves sunday morning and my life, for better or worse, is going to move forward.

This is one of those very special occasions where I have almost nothing at all to say but also I have nothing I wish to do. Besides I like to try to post here with a fair bit of regularity.

So I am going to talk about women now.

I have, at best, a terrible history with women in general. I have had three girlfriends and none of the girls that I have asked out have ever said yes. This isn’t me whining about life (as it usually is) the girls I asked out had very little in common with me, even the ones that ended up dating me anyway.

There was one incredibly fucked up girl who said no to me, then when I was later not an asshole to me told me that she DID want to go out. I found out later that she thought it was because “I deserved a chance.” Anyway she cheated on me with a cousin of hers and spent the last few days of our relationship hitting on a friend of mine who always talked about stalking her.

Years later, long story short, she has slept with literally every one of the people that I had called friend when I met her.

Now, I only bring this up to give a little background. There is a lot of negativity in my life in this area and not for no reason. There is the above stories, my insecurity, a lack of women that are bearable and a certain insistence in my mind that I am not attractive to the opposite sex.

I know I am a little chubby, and that I have (even without the extra fat) a dull, round undefined sort of face. I have on multiple occasions considered both plastic surgery and suicide. For your information I have discarded the latter.

In any case women are a weird area for me, because even before I found out they were sluts I had this sort of nagging thought in the back of my head that I wasn’t happy in the relationship and I tended to sabotage it as much as I could.

In any case that was a time waster that I hope you enjoyed.

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That feels good.

For some reason staying up for another few hours woke me up rather than tiring me out so I am going to make a second attempt at a recap of the last few weeks that I have been inactive.

First, and most immediately, is that I was just told by a stranger that this blog was somehow entertaining to read, and that, admittedly, was about the best thing I have ever been told by a stranger of indeterminate sex and taste.

In any case if that person ever reads this they do have my utmost gratitude for their kind words.

Onto business; My college friend, being the only one of my friends that I neither periodically nor consistently hate, came back into town and so my entire life was sort of derailed. That is to say I haven’t spent more than a few days at home since he got here, and any possibility of me getting a job, working out or just generally doing anything productive has gone down (not that the chances were all to high in the first place.)

You see, at the age of nineteen, no matter people seem to think, you have to start seriously looking at what direction you intend to go in life, ideally you would have done this at some point during your highschool years, but of course ideally you aren’t me. At home I find myself pressured to get a job and go to college and countless other things that when they all add up sort of become impossible to do in my mind.

The real problem with this area is my “social anxiety.” People scare me, or rather, I am irrationally scared of talking to people. As such the process of getting a job or applying for a college seems to be a massive feat.

The irony of this is that I am attempting the long and arduous journey to movie fame. I want to be an actor.

Gimme a moment to check back posts…

…

Surprisingly I haven’t actually talked about my ambitions in the theatre area so I guess I had better get them out of the way before I continue.

Put simply and concisely, acting is the only thing that has ever made me get out of bed before nine o clock.

And yes I am aware of the irony of a person who blogrants about his fear of people wanting to be an actor, but it mostly goes away on stage. That’s actually part of why I love it so much.

Anyway, I feel the same way about getting a job or going to college as I do about talking to a pretty girl. Afraid, nervous, but most importantly there’s a strange sense of impossibility in my mind. Like there is no way in the world I could ever actually accomplish it.

Either way I’ll have to start moving my life forward as soon as my friend leaves town again. Since I won’t have anything to do I  think it shouldn’t be an enormous problem.

P.S. The computer at home has been sent off to be fixed. No idea when it will be back and so the regularity with which I post in the coming weeks might become a little iffy. At the moment I am on my friends laptop while he sleeps. As mentioned above he IS leaving so I guess we’ll see what happens.

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Been a while.

Well in relevant and/or important news I got a 27 on my ACT. 30 English, 34 Reading, 18 Math and 22 Science.

I know that it has been a while and I know that I promised to keep active on this blog, but whatever I am a liar. A damn dirty liar.

Today I was invited by my older brother and his ex to hang out and go to a trivia night with them. It went well enough at first but they eventually just got tired of me.

Holy Hell am I tired. But I actually did it. I’ll try to keep up.

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