Visted Truman State University

It was actually pretty great in most every category, now to be honest I can’t be totally sure that I’m not just a really big fan of college life in general, but nevertheless I figured that I would be pretty happy there. A number of my friends already attend the school and that was originally to be the reason I went but I find myself increasingly fond of the campus and students and such.

I am not, however, entirely sure that I am prepared to enter the world of vaguely useful persons. I intend to counteract this by being a theatre major.

The conclusion that I came to was that I could really use the social and scholastic growth that comes from being a student at ANY college. I will be attempting to write an essay impressive enough that they accept me. Perhaps even impressive enough that they hand me most of my tuition right there and say something along the lines of “it is a blessing to have one so gifted and talented in our school. And for that matter, please, take your pick of our finest women.”

Oh yeah…they have GIRLS there.

Filed under: Uncategorized

New Thick-Ass Glasses (Hopefully) Now on Display on My Face

I want those thick-rimmed hipstery glasses some people are wearing these days, as such I am going to get them. The truth is I worry too much about what others think all the time, and honestly you haven’t lived your young life if you can’t look back and say “what was I thinking?”

 

I don’t really look forward to being prodded in the eyeballs by a doctor. But new glasses should be boss. And how!

Filed under: Uncategorized

Well Gosh…

I had almost completely forgotten about this dark corner of both the internet and my psyche. Truth be told I am not always terribly fond of having to relay the way my life is going to the public (nonexistent as it may be.)

And so the simple answer for all the tardiness and absence is a small sense of shame, and a lack of hours in the day, even for someone with days as empty as mine.

This blog has always been of more of a personal nature and may in fact contain things that the people in my daily life might be a touch dismayed to hear, as such I only ever write here at night. Thus…

 

Not that these are excusable excuses, I merely thought SOME should be given.

I lost a part in a play to my brother, whether it was age, acting talent or slight pudginess I don’t know, but it shames me deeply to have passed an opportunity to do SOMETHING by. Or lost it is more apropos.

Still his show is tomorrow and is immediately followed by spring break, at which point friends will come back into town and rejoicing will occur.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Now that Aaron is finally out of town I find that all of my conviction to move on with my life had very quickly fled. I think that I might have spent 30 of the last 48 hours sleeping and that is, in my opinion, just not acceptable.

On the flip side I have nearly finished applying for college and I applied for two different jobs at some telephone company or something called Convergys.

Tired, and the home computer is still out being fixed so I had nothing to do all day but read and sleep. I am currently on my older brother’s laptop that he was kind enough to let me use.

Slow, boring, disappointing day. Also I really need to work on my admission essay.

Filed under: Uncategorized

And then so…

I re-read what I posted earlier today and it sounds quite immature and whiny. Then again it IS about women and how I, a teenager, feel about them so I suppose it is to a certain degree justified.

It occurs to me that there is more to the story of my friend and the disappointing gathering that we had than I initially let on. This was very likely his last chance to  celebrate his birthday with his old friends before going back to college. It didn’t occur to me earlier because, honestly, I hardly ever remember my own birthday let alone anyone else’s.

Anyway I thought it deserved another mention as he is the only one of my friends that I actually value and would not trade in at the first chance.

I should get him something but  unfortunately my mind is a total blank and I don’t have any money.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is my little update.

Filed under: Uncategorized

A Turn of Events

The “last hoorah” for my friend from college ended up being a disappointing orgy of moping and bitching.

The short version is this: Everyone left early and he and I sat rather quietly in his room for the remainder of the night.

One of the friends left to go on a trip to Illinois, one because his girlfriend was a domineering bitch, and the last left because the others had and he would much rather go get drunk than hang around and mope about our crappy friends.

In any case I will be apply for college and jobs after he leaves sunday morning and my life, for better or worse, is going to move forward.

This is one of those very special occasions where I have almost nothing at all to say but also I have nothing I wish to do. Besides I like to try to post here with a fair bit of regularity.

So I am going to talk about women now.

I have, at best, a terrible history with women in general. I have had three girlfriends and none of the girls that I have asked out have ever said yes. This isn’t me whining about life (as it usually is) the girls I asked out had very little in common with me, even the ones that ended up dating me anyway.

There was one incredibly fucked up girl who said no to me, then when I was later not an asshole to me told me that she DID want to go out. I found out later that she thought it was because “I deserved a chance.” Anyway she cheated on me with a cousin of hers and spent the last few days of our relationship hitting on a friend of mine who always talked about stalking her.

Years later, long story short, she has slept with literally every one of the people that I had called friend when I met her.

Now, I only bring this up to give a little background. There is a lot of negativity in my life in this area and not for no reason. There is the above stories, my insecurity, a lack of women that are bearable and a certain insistence in my mind that I am not attractive to the opposite sex.

I know I am a little chubby, and that I have (even without the extra fat) a dull, round undefined sort of face. I have on multiple occasions considered both plastic surgery and suicide. For your information I have discarded the latter.

In any case women are a weird area for me, because even before I found out they were sluts I had this sort of nagging thought in the back of my head that I wasn’t happy in the relationship and I tended to sabotage it as much as I could.

In any case that was a time waster that I hope you enjoyed.

Filed under: Uncategorized

That feels good.

For some reason staying up for another few hours woke me up rather than tiring me out so I am going to make a second attempt at a recap of the last few weeks that I have been inactive.

First, and most immediately, is that I was just told by a stranger that this blog was somehow entertaining to read, and that, admittedly, was about the best thing I have ever been told by a stranger of indeterminate sex and taste.

In any case if that person ever reads this they do have my utmost gratitude for their kind words.

Onto business; My college friend, being the only one of my friends that I neither periodically nor consistently hate, came back into town and so my entire life was sort of derailed. That is to say I haven’t spent more than a few days at home since he got here, and any possibility of me getting a job, working out or just generally doing anything productive has gone down (not that the chances were all to high in the first place.)

You see, at the age of nineteen, no matter people seem to think, you have to start seriously looking at what direction you intend to go in life, ideally you would have done this at some point during your highschool years, but of course ideally you aren’t me. At home I find myself pressured to get a job and go to college and countless other things that when they all add up sort of become impossible to do in my mind.

The real problem with this area is my “social anxiety.” People scare me, or rather, I am irrationally scared of talking to people. As such the process of getting a job or applying for a college seems to be a massive feat.

The irony of this is that I am attempting the long and arduous journey to movie fame. I want to be an actor.

Gimme a moment to check back posts…

…

Surprisingly I haven’t actually talked about my ambitions in the theatre area so I guess I had better get them out of the way before I continue.

Put simply and concisely, acting is the only thing that has ever made me get out of bed before nine o clock.

And yes I am aware of the irony of a person who blogrants about his fear of people wanting to be an actor, but it mostly goes away on stage. That’s actually part of why I love it so much.

Anyway, I feel the same way about getting a job or going to college as I do about talking to a pretty girl. Afraid, nervous, but most importantly there’s a strange sense of impossibility in my mind. Like there is no way in the world I could ever actually accomplish it.

Either way I’ll have to start moving my life forward as soon as my friend leaves town again. Since I won’t have anything to do I  think it shouldn’t be an enormous problem.

P.S. The computer at home has been sent off to be fixed. No idea when it will be back and so the regularity with which I post in the coming weeks might become a little iffy. At the moment I am on my friends laptop while he sleeps. As mentioned above he IS leaving so I guess we’ll see what happens.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Been a while.

Well in relevant and/or important news I got a 27 on my ACT. 30 English, 34 Reading, 18 Math and 22 Science.

I know that it has been a while and I know that I promised to keep active on this blog, but whatever I am a liar. A damn dirty liar.

Today I was invited by my older brother and his ex to hang out and go to a trivia night with them. It went well enough at first but they eventually just got tired of me.

Holy Hell am I tired. But I actually did it. I’ll try to keep up.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Special Occasions

This post marks a couple of unique events. Firstly it marks the breaking of my promise of consistency. It also marks the first post I retrospectively realized was bitter and poorly thought out. There is not much to update except that I watched and loved Scott Pilgrim a second time today. Which is only one among many things I like that it is currently cool to hate. Micheal Cera not the least amongst them.

Another special occasion is the resetting of my internal clock for the purpose of being awake for the ACT.

What that inelegant sentence means is that I am going to be staying up all night and day for at least the next 19 or so hours. Which means Ramen, Video Games and Movies until I can literally no longer stand them.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Post

I was forced to spend time with my family yesterday. We went shopping for a christmas tree which I cut down nearly entirely by myself.  It was my mother’s birthday and I tried to draw something for her, but it was so unimpressive that I threw it out. I then tried to write her a poem, but it was so awful that I threw it out also. I did however select her present, which she seemed to appreciate.

I spent the day sleeping after the celebrations until a few of the local lads who I call friends came by my house and invited me to go and watch a few movies with them. Mostly what ended up happening is that they were assholes to me for little to no reason. Just when I was beginning to think that I could stand spending time around them they give me the night I had and that was, as they say, that. They made fun of me for my beard, which is ironic if you know the ugly redheaded one. They made fun of me for not wearing the same clothes as them on the same days, which is just freakishly odd and they drew insulting pictures of me and laughed. On the other side of the way though I did look at some basic instruction about how to draw a human being. So at least my misery was not a waste of time.

I cannot even begin to express the amount of indignant rage that I feel about this though. I am not a bad person, I do not tend to mercilessly mock others except in cases of social self defense. I do my best to be pleasant and unobtrusive in people’s lives. Perhaps even to an unhealthy degree. Yet here I am. I don’t really know what the Hell I need to do to get over a point in my life where this can happen to me. I know that everyone can be mocked once in a while but this only serves to remind me that I need to become rich and powerful so at least if people do it to my face I can make them suffer for the rest of their lives. I am better than being treated like dirt.

Bad bad bad bad bad feelings in general.

Filed under: Uncategorized